Fifteen Years

So as of September 3rd we've been married for 15 years. FIFTEEN YEARS! I just cannot look at these pictures and believe it's been that long. It doesn't even seem possible.

I've never done a post about our wedding, partly because the pictures are all packed away (yes, they are actual pictures printed on paper, this was 1999 remember). And also because every time I dig them out I end up crying.

Back on our 11th anniversary, just a few weeks before Shuma was born, I wanted to post about our wedding so I photographed a bunch of the pictures (we didn't have a scanner at the time) and put them in this album. I was unable to actually write the post due to pregnancy-related brain fog (and the usual sadness brought on by viewing the pictures). So I've just scanned some more (yay for cheap printer/scanner/copy machines!) and aim to have them all up soon. Or at least in time our next significant anniversary.

What makes me cry when I look at my wedding pictures? Well, it was a small wedding, just a couple dozen family members and friends who were kind enough to travel all the way to Las Vegas. And out of that small number of people the faces of those who are no longer with us really stand out.

This picture in particular always gets me. All of these dear women are gone. On the left is Judy, a family friend who died in 2007. In the middle is Mary, the mother of my sister's first husband (who himself had died the year before), who died a few years after wedding. On the right is my aunt Jean, who died in 2004. The wedding was the last time I saw them all, except for a brief visit with Jean shortly before she died. During the early years of my marriage it seemed like I had all the time in the world to visit friends and family. I figured I'd eventually move back to Toronto, or at least somewhere in North America, where I'd be near everyone. Or maybe I could tack visits on to my trips home to see my parents. The future seemed limitless back then and I never imagined people I loved would die before I got a chance to see them again. But now 15 years have gone by, and I've lost one more person in my wedding videos.

So when I looked through the pictures recently I was prepared to have a very hard time. I didn't. Much to my surprise I was able to look through them without crying for the first time in a decade. Maybe I'm all cried out? I know that the opening vignette of the movie "Up" made me bawl like a baby every single time I watched it (watch it here if you dare). And then a week after my mom died Shuma wanted to watch the movie, and I was able to get through it without a tear. Same goes for the book Love You Forever, which used to turn me into such a wreck I'd be unable to finish reading it, but I can do it just fine now. I'm not saying I never cry, but now it's real memories that do it and not fiction.

And the list has grown longer. I was prepared to have a hard time looking at these pictures today, but in fact it was the first time I'd seen them in a decade without crying. Maybe I'm all cried out, maybe I've grown stronger, I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to look at death differently. Maybe I'm paying more attention to the other pictures.

And something that really helped was focusing on the children, grandchildren, and friends left behind. Because there are so many other pictures, and thinking about where everyone is today reminds me that life goes on. I know it will for me too, and while I'm not quite ready to let go of the past I am starting to see a future.

 

Comments

[gaijinwife]

A great post :) I have an album I made of the last extended family get together which mum decided had to happen while she could still remember it. She was quite sick at the time and passed half a year later and the book used to make me howl without fail. Sometimes it still does but more often than not I can get through it now. I find now that it creeps up on you out of bloody nowhere. The other day I was in the car and turned a corner and for some reason remembered turning that exact corner with mum and the conversation we were having at the time. Its crazy. Big hugs to you and strength and love in the journey of loss. Kinda sucks monkey nuts but focusing on the future is good. And your wedding pics are fab. You look stunning. xx

[Shannon]

Happy belated anniversary!

Some nice photos and I love that they were before the advent of digital photography.

Apropos of nothing you guys were married on my birthday.

--Shannon

[Beritbunny]

A sweet post--but 15 years!? (Well, soon it will be 20--time is amazing!)

[Carlyn]

Lovely photos and memories~~~~ Happy Anniversary!!!